Nathan

I have been so remiss about writing in our blog. We have done so much & there is so much to write about but this week there is really only one thing in my thoughts.

Four years ago today on July 13, 2007, our dear son, Nathan, passed away. Every year at this time I relive the events beginning with the 8th, which was our last good day with him. What a blessing that was for us. I told Rod that I really felt like we should stay home from church & spend the day with Nathan. He said he had been feeling the same thing. We fixed his favorite breakfast, Rods famous hash browns & eggs, his favorite halibut dinner & enjoyed the day watching football & visiting with him. Later in the day he asked if he could leave & after having a serious conversation with him we made arrangements for me to pick him up at a certain time so that we could leave his car for Justin & Jamie.

When I went to pick him up he was late & then had a friend with him so I had to wait for him to take the friend home. I was so mad at him & I thought, "I just won't talk to him all the way home. (It was about a 20 min. ride.) He has got to learn to pay attention & do what's right." Well, he got in the car & was so happy & was the old Nathan that I loved to be around. I couldn't stay mad at him. We had the best visit. That was the last time I talked to him. I will be forever grateful that I didn't let my instincts take over & I just enjoyed my son.

I remember going to the hospital for the first time & leaning down to say, "Mom's here Nathan. I love you!" & a tear rolling down his face. I spent hours at the hospital for the next several days holding his hand, reading to him, talking to him & the last night before we went to the airport to pick up Angie & Amy, I sang all the songs I used to sing to him when he was a little boy. What cherished memories! I prayed that Heavenly Father would take him into His arms & take care of him. It was especially hard watching each of our children say their good-byes to Nathan. That broke my heart.

The next morning as the nurses were doing tests, we had the c.d. "Love Is Spoken Here", by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, playing softly in the background. When the Dr. came in & gave us the time of death, the song, "I Feel My Savior's Love", was on. That song always brought tears to my eyes but it wasn't until a few month's later when I mentioned it to Angie & she told me when it had been playing.

The next several days I felt like I was on auto-pilot, just doing what needed to be done. If it hadn't been for our friends, family, & especially our dear children & my sweet husband, I'm not sure I could have handled things.

The night before the funeral Rod, Jason, Ryan, Shane & Justin dressed Nathan. Angie had said that she wanted her, Amy & I to wash his feet. So after he was dressed they came & got us. We realized that we couldn't wash his feet, so we clipped his nails & put on his shoes & socks. Then without anything planned we all stood around him, holding our hands on Nathan & sang, "I Have A Family Here On Earth". It was the most spiritual experience I have ever had. The veil was so thin.

As we go around the Temple District speaking to different wards, I talk about Nathan. It is a testimony to me that we all have struggles in our lives. I definitely don't feel that we have been through worse than others. It is just that this has been our trial. We could have lost our testimonies but I am so grateful that we feel closer to our Savior. It has strengthened us as a family & individually.

This may sound strange, but I am grateful that Nathan is where he is even though I miss him so much. Joseph Smith once said, (& I'm paraphrasing badly), that sometimes the Lord takes those unto himself to protect them when He knows that they have done all they could do & to protect them from doing something that would impede their eternal progression. When I read that I knew that was what happened to Nathan. He was so good & sweet & loving.

I am so grateful for the spiritual experiences we have had. Last year after the shut down of the Temple, I was feeling emotional because we had just passed the anniversary of Nathans death. The first thing I did when I went to the Temple was go to the Celestial Room. As I picked up the scriptures I thought, "I wonder if I will ever have the experience of just opening up the scriptures & there will be something just for me?" The first thing I read was in Doctrine & Covenants 88:97, "And they who have slept in their graves shall come forth, for their graves shall be opened." I just sobbed. The imagery was so vivid & I knew my Heavenly Father was aware of my needs. If nothing else good ever happened because of our serving a mission, that was what I needed.

Please forgive me for sharing my memories but I felt like I needed to write my thoughts for me. One last thought I would like to share is the scripture we had on Nathans funeral program.

John 14:27, "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

We look forward to being with Nathan again & being a forever family.